There is much more to health...general ramblings...

One thing I must remind myself on this journey, is that there is much more to better health & happiness than just eating right. To be healthy one must have all areas of their life in balance. One of which is Spiritual Health. This is not automatically a "religious thing," as many automatically take it to mean. But part of being human is that innate spirit or soul that is within us. For each of us our spirituality leads us to a sense of rightness, of wholeness, of "being."

On this journey of mine, I am finding that I really am not a slave to food, but have learned how to use it as a tool. Sometimes I use it for the sustenance that is needed to survive, sometimes I use it to induce a euphoric state of being which combats my "black moods." One thing I have discovered is that my body needs more nutrition to sustain the amount of energy my job requires. It is a fact of my life that I must walk these papers, because it actually takes less energy to walk them, than to jump in and out of my car at every house. However, half way through my route my body becomes so weak that it is unsafe for me to continue walking. Literally, Brandan noticed my silent suffering (yes I do actually stop whining) and told me to stay in the car as we delivered the last of our papers to Tim Wa trailer court. Thankfully we had been making good time so that even though it took twice as long we were able to get them delivered before 6 a.m.

In reading my Take Shape For Life Handbook I am being reminded of health and research that I already discovered on my own personal pre-TSFL journeys; mostly through my college courses; but also from when I worked at St John Medical Center and had access to some amazing medical minds! There is a fine line that I cross in using the Medifast diet, because of my diabetes and other health conditions I must be more mindful of what my body is telling me. I am trying very hard to remain faithful to the TSFL way of life, however, I am having to also go to the web-site and find ways to adjust it so that I am not causing more harm to my body than what is necessary. My current concern is that I may be allergic or sensitive to soy products. I was able to contact an old friend from the medical profession who does know of my medical history and she was extremely concerned that I had not spoken with her or my doctor before starting this diet. However, she does understand that the lack of medical insurance can be quite the barrier to seeking medical advice. We talked some and I told her my plans to adjust how I ingest my meals and we agreed to talk again in a couple of days to see how that goes....

Of note: It is normal to have a sense of being more tired when you cut back on your caloric intake. Standing up too fast can cause waves of dizziness and nausea. However, having a constant headache and nausea to the point of emesis (vomiting for those non-med people) is not normal and a danger sign that something is not right. When you factor in that I cut my caffeine out completely as well as cutting back on my caloric intake as drastically as I have, it muddles the pot as to what specifically is causing these things. So after consulting with my health coach and my handbook I am adding caffeine back into my diet via one cup of black coffee, and two cups of my Orange Spice Black tea. I am mixing up my water intake with an herbal non sweetened, decaf tea (so far Blueberry by Stash is my go-to gal for sweets as well). Another symptom that I am having which is not normal for a simple caloric cut is the amount of physical weakness I have been experiencing. It was concerning to her that I could not even pick up my 5 lb cat while we were talking...luckily it was a cat and as cats do landed on its feet (grin). Being weak enough in the legs that I am unable to stand up correctly or walk a few feet without stumbling or having my knees give out is a concern which is not normal.

To combat these symptoms I have changed my lean and green meal to directly before I go out on routes. I will now be carrying two bars with me just in case I start to feel weak and need the extra nutrition.

Another concern is that the drinks have been making me throw up within only a few sips. I am not sure if its the consistency or a soy allergy so tomorrow after routes I am going to the grocery store and buy the supplies I need to make the oatmeal muffins and shake cookies. If these stay down I will know it isn't an allergy but a consistency issue. Which as my wonderful mother pointed out has always been a problem for me...I never could eat things like fried okra, cooked asparagus, or canned spinach...

Back to there is much more to health...

I spent some much needed time talking with my life long best friend Summer today. I was able to see that there is some huge fractures in my life that are being healed and are getting ready to be out of a job. For those of you who have not taken psychology or any kind of counseling, fractures happen when people are abused or in abusive situations. They are personality fractures that come about to help us as children to "deal" with whatever situation we are in. They are not healthy, but at the time a necessity to our "survival." They are in our child-like minds helpful. Unfortunately these fractures stay with us into adulthood, sometimes becoming more pronounced and obvious, sometimes melding with our personalities so well that most see us as just "quirky" or "moody." For me they have caused a sense of "bi-polar" or "emotional instability" that I have combated most forcefully through counseling and other means most of my adult life. I am not sure at this point what fractures are running me ragged at this time, but now that I am conscious of their existence, it will only be a matter of time before they are "healed" and gone!

Much of what we talked about is how "worthy" I am to be healthy, happy, and successful. I was finally able to visualize in my mind how I am feeling and was even able to put it into words so that I could share it with Summer. This is how I see my life right now. It is not a happy picture so if you are currently also not in a happy place you may want to skip over the next paragraph.

I am enclosed in a see through glass box. Seemingly solid with no doors or windows in which to escape. I am surrounded by so much clutter that I stumble from place to place and am barely able to find a path from one side of the glass box to the other. I am standing at the glass wall beating on it with all of my might. Bloodying my hands and arms with the force of my blows. Yet the glass will not break and let me out. I am picking up anything I can get my hands on now to use as a weapon to break free of my prison. Why, because on the other side of these walls I can see so much life and beauty. On the other side of these walls is LIFE, HOPE, Fulfillment, Success, JOY, Peace, and fresh air. I see green hills rambling on as far as the eye can see and a beautiful road that leads on into the horizon. A sky filled with white fluffy clouds that change colors as the sun rises and sets. I see children laughing, parents playing with them, I see families on picnics, dogs running and barking, and playing fetch. I see a beautiful lake that people and dogs are swimming in, splashing, and in general having a wonderful time. I see an office of some sort where people are coming in looking rather downcast and in just a short time coming out of looking if not completely better at least relieved and hopeful. I see another place where people are gathered at tables and are all crocheting, knitting, or sewing as they talk and visit. I see another place where parents come with their disabled children and play and learn how to live together in a happier healthier way. I realize that what I see on the other side of this glass prison is everything I have ever dreamed of doing and being a part of. I slump down with my back to the glass wall and sob, deep, heart wrenching sobs. I cannot quit. I cannot breathe properly. I look up and cry out to my God "why have you forsaken me?"

And today, although I am still in that glass prison, the Son shone on me as Summer and I spoke. I could feel His loving arms wrap around me and whisper to my heart, "I understand. I was there with you on the cross, remember?" And then I came home and went back to bed. I slept peacefully and woke up feeling renewed and refreshed. Able to think clearly, to look at myself deeply, and to hear my inner voice telling me the sadness and frustrations that it had stored, waiting for the right moment to share them with my conscious mind.

Thank you Summer for not just reading my Facebook post and commenting, maybe sending up a prayer or two, but for taking action and offering me the chance to get out of my secluded spot of misery and out into the daylight. Thank you for once again being there and just listening, and hearing what I could not yet put into words. Thank you for listening to our Papa God and being His mouth so that I could audibly hear what He wanted to say to me. But most of all Thank you for being there today.

I am at a place where I am dealing with the deaths of many dreams: the house that my family and I worked so hard to get, that even though it soon become a nightmare and a drain on my wellness, was still a dream that I had successfully achieved; though long in coming, the loss of a job that I was good at and truly enjoyed, so much so that it became unhealthy for me, because my entire identity was wrapped up in it--I was an amazing patient reg person, I learned so much and grew up thanks to the love and support of so many wonderful and amazing people at St John Emergency Dept., however, I will never be able to go back to that time in my life--it is time to address the loss and move on...

I still do not know what I want to be, want to do, mostly because there are so many different things that I want to be and do. I just need to figure out how to meld them all into a livable income!